uugh

Well I finally went to the doctor and he told me to research Lithium and Epival two drugs for Bipolar. Lithium requires regular blood tests to make sure the lithium level in my blood is safe. Epival causes complications with your kidneys so he said to research them and pick one. 


But is giving someone who's suicidal a drug that can easily kill them if they take too many really a good idea? I'm not sure about Epival but I'm afraid if I choose Lithium and then have a bad spell I'll down the bottle and not have to worry if it won't work cuz it says in the damn side effects that ODing is very easy to do. 


I just want to get better. I'm just so scared all the time. of people, work, failure. I know what I have to do I just can't do it. I'm like a perpetual teenager. I want a life , a career, a man in my life... but I'm terrified to have any of those things. between the weight issue and the PCOD side effects I'm disgusted just looking at myself who the hell would want me? I don't even want me. I know I know I can always force myself to lose weight and take birth control to help with the PCOD. Maybe A's right ..maybe I'm just lazy. but how are you lazy against your will. I don't WANT to be like this.


I have to check out that school thing ... at least I can do that to keep me busy...and it's free. Maybe that's what I'll do. one little step forward at a time. I really need someone to talk to like a therapist or something.

Bad Day

Sad music, sad dramas, You'd think when I feel this way I'd try to find things that make me happy!?!?! I just have to keep telling my self not to burn down any bridges when I feel this way. I've left many a piles of ash behind me in the past. You'd think I'd learn.

What I NEED to do:

1. Go to the doctor (Get meds)
2. Go to the dentist
3. Call Durham College about upgrading class
4. Go to class
5. Re-apply to ODSP
6. Apply to UTM
7. Look into grants, scholarships, bursaries for school
8. Try not to get overwhelmed by all this

Number 8 will be the hardest. I need to start taking control of my life.

New stage

Well that last post was depressing as hell ... I'm 30 now ... so I figure it's about time I try to do something with my life. So I'm going to start taking "upgrading" classes .. well at home classes. In math and science so I have the prerequisites for university. Forensic Anthropology If I can't get into that then just anthropology for that I only need English and Bio ... Well if these classes don't go well I can always get in with those two ... maybe I should just apply to Antro it'll be easier to get into and I'll have less dead bodies to deal with :S I don't know what I'll do ... I can't think straight in this mind set ... I'll have to just wait it out a little