Well I finally went to the doctor and he told me to research Lithium and Epival two drugs for Bipolar. Lithium requires regular blood tests to make sure the lithium level in my blood is safe. Epival causes complications with your kidneys so he said to research them and pick one.
But is giving someone who's suicidal a drug that can easily kill them if they take too many really a good idea? I'm not sure about Epival but I'm afraid if I choose Lithium and then have a bad spell I'll down the bottle and not have to worry if it won't work cuz it says in the damn side effects that ODing is very easy to do.
I just want to get better. I'm just so scared all the time. of people, work, failure. I know what I have to do I just can't do it. I'm like a perpetual teenager. I want a life , a career, a man in my life... but I'm terrified to have any of those things. between the weight issue and the PCOD side effects I'm disgusted just looking at myself who the hell would want me? I don't even want me. I know I know I can always force myself to lose weight and take birth control to help with the PCOD. Maybe A's right ..maybe I'm just lazy. but how are you lazy against your will. I don't WANT to be like this.
I have to check out that school thing ... at least I can do that to keep me busy...and it's free. Maybe that's what I'll do. one little step forward at a time. I really need someone to talk to like a therapist or something.
