!I don't know why it is but I haven't been able to stop thinking of my stupid ex ... not in a sense that I want him back I don't I know why he's my ex (other then the fact that he's married) but I don't want him any more ... maybe it's the idea of him that I want not him specifically but some one ...ANYONE.
My emotions have been so fucked up lately. I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I hate this feeling it's like I'm a big bucket of water and I'm almost full any more crap and I'm going to collapse ...maybe my mother was right and I am the strongest of all us girls because I can't believe I've lasted this long.
I know it's mainly from me pushing everything away and not thinking about it, ignoring everything and distracting myself from what's going on in my life ... hmm nothing's going on because i refuse to let anything start ... mainly because I can't take failing at something again. Good grades in high school, college, every job I've had, dog grooming
, any hobby I've started, nothing in my life has ever been finished. I've never had a meaningful relationship... they've all been fucked up some how, or I broke them off before I could get hurt.I want there to be some one to blame but ... there isn't really ...it's all my fault. Now I'm even pulling away from my family. Not that I voluntarily talked to them ... what with my stupid phone phobia? Talking to your mother, who lives thousands of miles away and I'm lucky to see her once a year, shouldn't give you a panic attack when in person you have a great relationship and miss her more then anything...
What the hell is wrong with me?
