Off again To my Aunt's

Well it's that time again off to my Aunt's in the morning ...well in a few hours :P.


This time I'm looking after another dog ... their friend's who's going with them. She was all worried it would be too much to handle lol I don't know if I should be insulted or not lol.


The best part is .... I'm getting a psp with the money she's paying me ... if it's enough if not maybe a tattoo lol.


I should go to bed I'll write more when I'm there :D

What shall I complain about today?

The Neverending Story was on this afternoon and of course right in the spot that makes me cry ... where Artax? Artacks? Artex? whatever where the horse kicks it cuz he's sad and he sinks into the swamp of sad ... or something like that.

I am curently at my Aunts looking after her pets while she's away ... not a bad deal.

My teeth are once again rebeling from my head ... I can barely eat... everything has to be nibbled at ... uugh I need to get them yanked!

Doctor Who/Torchwood Extravaganza

(How can you not love that face lol)

I have fallen in love ... his name is David Tennant lol not exactly a practical love seeing as he is a famous actor and he's living in the UK ... and dating some skinny blonde bitch ... I'm sure she's a lovely lady.


I just finished (well a couple weeks ago) both Doctor Who and Torchwood ... well Doctor Who starting from the ninth doctor .... I'm sorry I couldn't find (or bothered looking for) the first ... seven Doctors (#8 being a movie... a shitty movie)




Torchwood was better then I expected ... didn't hurt that the main star John Barrowman  is devastatingly good looking ... and of course he's gay 

(This has to be my favourite pic)

but ahhhh I love his face (David and John) ... David is my favourite Doctor ...I can't imagine liking Matt Smith (Doctor #11) more then him ... I just prefer the look of him. It was bugging me that I knew him from something else. I was racking my brain trying to remember and I finally gave in and looked it up and he was Barty Crouch Jr. from Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire lol it was the teeth that I remembered ... lol figures.


Also ... because I'm a crazy fan girl... I looked up his personal website and there's a address to mail a SASE to and get a signed photo back woowoo! so of course I found another site with this huge database of stars PR/Agent address or whatever so of course I wrote down a bunch of people (Mainly just Torchwood, Doctor Who, and Firefly) uuugh such a geek :P

Misfits and morning drinking

Just finished the first season of Misfits ... all 6 episodes :P. The next season has started filming but won't be aired till the end of the year :(. I's good so far. My fave character has to be Nathan and Simon... Nathan's just funny but I'm oddly attracted to Simon ... well except for the whole serial killer vibe :P that won't bode well for me if I start dating again.


Now each of their "Powers" have to so with their personality Simon feels invisible around people so he can turn invisible, Clive fucked up his life and wishes he could turn back time and so that's his power, Alisha is beautiful and slutty ...lol so I guess she has her power because she want to be wanted, Kelly ... I guess she doesn't want to have people judge her baste on her trashy looks so she can hear what their thinking about her. Nathan I'm not sure why he's immortal cause he can obviously be hurt so it's not like a wolverine thing.


I don't know what mine would be ... maybe I'd be like simon??


Started drinking at 8ish ... but I was up at like 4 so it's like drinking at ... noon lol ... I don't give a fuck

Damn Miley Cyrus

Not only have I not been able to get her songs out of my head but there's even a couple that make me cry ... I blame my emotional problems but still ... fucking Miley Cyrus!


I don't know why it is but I haven't been able to stop thinking of my stupid ex ... not in a sense that I want him back I don't I know why he's my ex (other then the fact that he's married) but I don't want him any more ... maybe it's the idea of him that I want not him specifically but some one ...ANYONE. 


My emotions have been so fucked up lately. I'm constantly on the verge of crying. I hate this feeling it's like I'm a big bucket of water and I'm almost full any more crap and I'm going to collapse ...maybe my mother was right and I am the strongest of all us girls because I can't believe I've lasted this long. 


I know it's mainly from me pushing everything away and not thinking about it, ignoring everything and distracting myself from what's going on in my life ... hmm nothing's going on because i refuse to let anything start ... mainly because I can't take failing at something again. Good grades in high school, college, every job I've had, dog grooming, any hobby I've started, nothing in my life has ever been finished. I've never had a meaningful relationship... they've all been fucked up some how, or I broke them off before I could get hurt.


I want there to be some one to blame but ... there isn't really ...it's all my fault. Now I'm even pulling away from my family. Not that I voluntarily talked to them ... what with my stupid phone phobia? Talking to your mother, who lives thousands of miles away and I'm lucky to see her once a year, shouldn't give you a panic attack when in person you have a great relationship and miss her more then anything...


What the hell is wrong with me?

uugh

Well I finally went to the doctor and he told me to research Lithium and Epival two drugs for Bipolar. Lithium requires regular blood tests to make sure the lithium level in my blood is safe. Epival causes complications with your kidneys so he said to research them and pick one. 


But is giving someone who's suicidal a drug that can easily kill them if they take too many really a good idea? I'm not sure about Epival but I'm afraid if I choose Lithium and then have a bad spell I'll down the bottle and not have to worry if it won't work cuz it says in the damn side effects that ODing is very easy to do. 


I just want to get better. I'm just so scared all the time. of people, work, failure. I know what I have to do I just can't do it. I'm like a perpetual teenager. I want a life , a career, a man in my life... but I'm terrified to have any of those things. between the weight issue and the PCOD side effects I'm disgusted just looking at myself who the hell would want me? I don't even want me. I know I know I can always force myself to lose weight and take birth control to help with the PCOD. Maybe A's right ..maybe I'm just lazy. but how are you lazy against your will. I don't WANT to be like this.


I have to check out that school thing ... at least I can do that to keep me busy...and it's free. Maybe that's what I'll do. one little step forward at a time. I really need someone to talk to like a therapist or something.

Bad Day

Sad music, sad dramas, You'd think when I feel this way I'd try to find things that make me happy!?!?! I just have to keep telling my self not to burn down any bridges when I feel this way. I've left many a piles of ash behind me in the past. You'd think I'd learn.

What I NEED to do:

1. Go to the doctor (Get meds)
2. Go to the dentist
3. Call Durham College about upgrading class
4. Go to class
5. Re-apply to ODSP
6. Apply to UTM
7. Look into grants, scholarships, bursaries for school
8. Try not to get overwhelmed by all this

Number 8 will be the hardest. I need to start taking control of my life.

New stage

Well that last post was depressing as hell ... I'm 30 now ... so I figure it's about time I try to do something with my life. So I'm going to start taking "upgrading" classes .. well at home classes. In math and science so I have the prerequisites for university. Forensic Anthropology If I can't get into that then just anthropology for that I only need English and Bio ... Well if these classes don't go well I can always get in with those two ... maybe I should just apply to Antro it'll be easier to get into and I'll have less dead bodies to deal with :S I don't know what I'll do ... I can't think straight in this mind set ... I'll have to just wait it out a little

I hate the person I see when I look in the mirror

I'm 29 years old and I have wasted my life. I wasn't very good in school so I never went to college and educated myself. I kept to myself all through school most of the time; so I don't really have any friends and I never learned how to make any. TWENTY NINE YEARS! and nothing to show for it. No family of my own, no husband, or children, I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't drive, or even have my own place.


How does someone live this long and have nothing to show for it? I've never finished a damn thing in my life. I did actually go to college but it wasn't for anything useful and I quit a couple weeks into my second semester.


Other then my family I've never had anyone love me. I desperately want to be in love so much that it hurts and at times when I was with a man I convinced myself I loved him, but I was wrong...I never really loved him at all. I feel sometimes that I'll never fall in love. That I was never supposed to be happy.


I was never one of those people who could picture themselves in the future with their adult children gone and just spending the day on my front porch old and wrinkly with mt husband.


Maybe I just have no imagination but I just couldn't picture that and it scares me to hell!

Computer failure

Well my laptop has gone kaput! when it does work i have to type very slowly to get the letters to come up because my typing is too fast... the thing is like 5 years old so what can i expect really. I think i'll go look online for a replacement .... oh goodie time to get my hopes up :P

Ahhh 2010 ... How much will this year suck?

As is my ever positive outlook on life, I'm guessing that this year will be just as sucky as last year. Along with my ever growing girth my self-esteem seems to be at an all time low Yippy! ... you know something is wrong with you when you look at the men that find you attractive in disgust lol that is not good :P

HOWEVER!

I'm hoping that I can give myself a kick in the ass and get in a better shape then I am in now and take some classes at the Uni here ... wish me luck!