uugh

Well I finally went to the doctor and he told me to research Lithium and Epival two drugs for Bipolar. Lithium requires regular blood tests to make sure the lithium level in my blood is safe. Epival causes complications with your kidneys so he said to research them and pick one. 


But is giving someone who's suicidal a drug that can easily kill them if they take too many really a good idea? I'm not sure about Epival but I'm afraid if I choose Lithium and then have a bad spell I'll down the bottle and not have to worry if it won't work cuz it says in the damn side effects that ODing is very easy to do. 


I just want to get better. I'm just so scared all the time. of people, work, failure. I know what I have to do I just can't do it. I'm like a perpetual teenager. I want a life , a career, a man in my life... but I'm terrified to have any of those things. between the weight issue and the PCOD side effects I'm disgusted just looking at myself who the hell would want me? I don't even want me. I know I know I can always force myself to lose weight and take birth control to help with the PCOD. Maybe A's right ..maybe I'm just lazy. but how are you lazy against your will. I don't WANT to be like this.


I have to check out that school thing ... at least I can do that to keep me busy...and it's free. Maybe that's what I'll do. one little step forward at a time. I really need someone to talk to like a therapist or something.

Bad Day

Sad music, sad dramas, You'd think when I feel this way I'd try to find things that make me happy!?!?! I just have to keep telling my self not to burn down any bridges when I feel this way. I've left many a piles of ash behind me in the past. You'd think I'd learn.

What I NEED to do:

1. Go to the doctor (Get meds)
2. Go to the dentist
3. Call Durham College about upgrading class
4. Go to class
5. Re-apply to ODSP
6. Apply to UTM
7. Look into grants, scholarships, bursaries for school
8. Try not to get overwhelmed by all this

Number 8 will be the hardest. I need to start taking control of my life.

New stage

Well that last post was depressing as hell ... I'm 30 now ... so I figure it's about time I try to do something with my life. So I'm going to start taking "upgrading" classes .. well at home classes. In math and science so I have the prerequisites for university. Forensic Anthropology If I can't get into that then just anthropology for that I only need English and Bio ... Well if these classes don't go well I can always get in with those two ... maybe I should just apply to Antro it'll be easier to get into and I'll have less dead bodies to deal with :S I don't know what I'll do ... I can't think straight in this mind set ... I'll have to just wait it out a little

I hate the person I see when I look in the mirror

I'm 29 years old and I have wasted my life. I wasn't very good in school so I never went to college and educated myself. I kept to myself all through school most of the time; so I don't really have any friends and I never learned how to make any. TWENTY NINE YEARS! and nothing to show for it. No family of my own, no husband, or children, I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't drive, or even have my own place.


How does someone live this long and have nothing to show for it? I've never finished a damn thing in my life. I did actually go to college but it wasn't for anything useful and I quit a couple weeks into my second semester.


Other then my family I've never had anyone love me. I desperately want to be in love so much that it hurts and at times when I was with a man I convinced myself I loved him, but I was wrong...I never really loved him at all. I feel sometimes that I'll never fall in love. That I was never supposed to be happy.


I was never one of those people who could picture themselves in the future with their adult children gone and just spending the day on my front porch old and wrinkly with mt husband.


Maybe I just have no imagination but I just couldn't picture that and it scares me to hell!

Computer failure

Well my laptop has gone kaput! when it does work i have to type very slowly to get the letters to come up because my typing is too fast... the thing is like 5 years old so what can i expect really. I think i'll go look online for a replacement .... oh goodie time to get my hopes up :P

Ahhh 2010 ... How much will this year suck?

As is my ever positive outlook on life, I'm guessing that this year will be just as sucky as last year. Along with my ever growing girth my self-esteem seems to be at an all time low Yippy! ... you know something is wrong with you when you look at the men that find you attractive in disgust lol that is not good :P

HOWEVER!

I'm hoping that I can give myself a kick in the ass and get in a better shape then I am in now and take some classes at the Uni here ... wish me luck!

uuhg

Now I ask you ...has boredom actually killed anyone yet? ... cuz I may be it's first victim ... I can't believe I'm saying this but i think I may actually want a job just to stop the boredom ... my only problem is I really don't want a job that involves talking to people ... I was thinking of taking some classes ... that would occupy me .... Maybe i'll check out the college "Continuing education thing" meh Let us seeee.... I could learn a new language ... Japanese :D $205 yikes ... maybe there's a cheaper language Dutch is only $141 ... I don't know ...